Td: …he couldn’t have waited until the mission was over?

Senior Spanish Fly: His lust for a vivacious Vietnamese voolahlah has gotten the best of the americana héroe. Besides amigos, the bosque is el perfecto place to mast….

*interrupted*

Td: What the heck is a Voolahlah?

Mascot for Hire: Which branch of the military allows this? I could be a general!

Knock Knock: Maybe that’s the only weapon he has left.

“Pinball. Kiss. Party. Fun. Yea.”

Okay, you guys are gonna have to give me a meal pass on this one. Don’t get me wrong, I played the game and all. It’s just like..well…there ain’t no material man. Nothing. Nada. You simply turn on the game, chose one of the two stale KISS pinball machines, wait for it load, and that’s it. No horrible game humor. No mundane voice-overs. Just KISS….pinball. Go ahead, say it with me: “Kiss…pinball”. It’s like someone saying “You just won a million….clams.”

Let’s be honest, everyone involved knew this was going to suck. I bet the lowly custodian, sweeping away nacho crumbs and half eaten pizza crust, accidentally gazed at one of the developer’s computer screens and thought “Wow, that game is going to suck!”.

If you know the game is gonna suck, everyone and their granny knows the game is gonna suck, this gives you the right to splurge baby! You have the license to make crap. Screw the pooch! Start off by including every kiss album ever made, but all the tracks are played in reverse and have the Alvin and the chipmunk filter. No more free rides in the menu screen, make em’ answer an algebra question to access each menu. Throw in some FMV sequences with Kiss members portrayed as cow pies using stop motion animation, and have a small window to far left side of the screen that periodically shows pictures of animal sex.

Heck, I wouldn’t even put in the pinball. The cover says kiss pinball, but the game: The Vegetable Encyclopedia!

Mascot for Hire: Hey man, I came up with the Vegetable Encyclopedia first! I already inked a deal with Starship to do the narrations and got a team of two mice working on the game engine! Back off, it’s my idea!

Td: Why does everyone think KISS is the savior of crappy products?

Knock Knock:The hottest game in the world, KIIIIIIISSSS PINNNBBBBAAAALLLL.

The most unnecessary reaction in the world!

Backfiring his attempt of hyping up the band, Tony sounds like he’s warning kiss of an incoming bus.

Td: Jesus, no I mean the way screamed I though Jesus himself was making an appearance.

Knock Knock: I heard Jesus has a pretty mean bass solo.

Back to the Future: The deleted dance sequence

Excuse me while I punch the sky.

Believe it or not, the Marty McFly freak out has relevance to the motion picture.

In the clock tower scene, right before Marty says his final goodbye to Doc,  he tries once again to warn the professor about his fate with an impromptu dance sequence.

Uncontrollably flapping his arms while laying belly first on the pavement, he screamed “You’ll be shot by Iranians!”, “You’ll be shot by Iranians!” over and over again. “We wanted to create a new dance craze the kids would pick up, the McFly Freakout.” says Zemeckis. “…but Bob thought  it was too much of a show stopper, so we cut it.  Punkass… ”

National Box Association

Acolytes Moderation Agency

A few years back, World Wrestling Entertainment opened forums on their official website. At last, an outlet for fans to interact with superstars such as Triple H and … Issac Yankem DDS?

In one of the most embarrassing net events since the Digg HD-DVD collapse, a legion of disgruntled gimmicks from yesteryear spammed the board, creating a slobber knocker of hilarity. These were impostors worked by clever wrasslin’ fans of course, but watching a collective amount of bad gimmicks interacting on the company’s official forums was a surreal event.

After a few weeks, the WWE finally clamped down on the situation, enforcing strict moderation and massive purging of the entire forum. But fret not, as the keen staff here at FI did our damnedest to save as many threads. Check out the gallery below, or click the link to a see what Archive.org saved.

WebArchive Snapshot of the shenanigans

Our Gallery

The National Geographic Afghan Girl, Xbox style!

Fun times were had during finals days leading to the Xbox 360 launch. Out of the smoke storm of false rumors, fake screen shots and console warz arguments emerged a kid with a bold claim: I have the Xbox 360.

This would make him one of the few in the world having possession of the unit. That being said, it’s the internet dude. I have the Playstation 8, the holy grail and a pink unicorn in my garage. All words, no evidence. But Xbox kid backed his internet bravado up with a picture of not only the unit, but him playing it. “Did he steal it?”, “Does his dad work for Microsoft?”, “How l33t are his connections?”,”The Wendy’s girl is real?” readers wondered.

In reality, it was an empty promotional shell case he most likely bought off a rogue Gamestop employee, but his swagger is anything but hollow.

7 points to why you can’t be Xbox Kid cool

1.Man Curls

It’s like putting butter on awesome bread. Not even necessary, but he’s too awesome to care.

2.The “how you like me now?” look

He looks into your soul and laughs. You’ll never be this cool, even if you were me. He defies logic.

3. Only in the USA of Xbox Kid

Xbox kid isn’t wearing the shirt, the shirt wears him.

4. King Size Pillow

Barely enough to support the awesomeness.

5. The Holy Blue Screen

An important milestone in human history is being shown on that screen, but he’s too awesome to look at it.

6. Shattered wires

Sneaking deep into the top secret Microsoft laboratories, Xbox Kid had to carefully disconnect the console wires out of the mother brain. One wrong cut would have engaged the self destruction mechanism, causing the entire facility to implode. When the kid finally disconnect the console, an epic escape entailed. He was chased by soldiers, robots, helicopters and mutant chimpanzees.

7. Empty House

A well toned, athletic specimen such as the Xbox Kid doesn’t need furniture, he sleeps on air.

Western Aggressor’s Guide to North Korean Karate

Western Aggressor

Warrior of Prosperity

Back in the day, most commodore 64ians probably gave the Korean Karate cartridge a karate chop into the pieces. It’s short, it sucks and its legitimately impossible to win. However, if you dig deeper in this hot pixel mess you’ll discover that a stern warning from North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il.

The game presents you with two fighters. One in a white karate uniform, the other in red. The white is clearly the immoral, loud mouth American Yankee. Look at him at the left, such an arrogant disgrace to the world, he can only be known simply as The Western Aggressor. The gentlemen in the red uniform signifies the peaceful ideals of North Korea, the sole beacon of hope still left in the world. The name Warrior of Prosperity is barely worthy enough of such strong principles.

In Korean Karate, the aggressor always loses.

The North will always prevail against the West.

The player can only use the Western Aggressor, as he or she isn’t virtuous enough to play as the Warrior of Prosperity. His only move is feeble lightning chop, a pathetic maneuver that is no match for the devastating North Korean freedom gut kick.

No matter what the Western Aggressor does, he cannot touch the Warrior of Prosperity, as the freedom kick to his obese beer filled stomach will kill him. The death isn’t quick and sudden, like with most forms of deadly martial arts. Korean Karate is painstakingly slow, to the point that the Western Aggressor has enough time to erect a cross above him before hitting the ground.

Gateway to the North

To make sure that there isn't ANY confusion that this is Korea Karate, the participants fight under a colossal seven story sign reading "Korea Karate".

Apparently, Kim Jong Il didn’t believe the blue background and green grass was enough for ignorant minded westerners to distinguish the setting as North Korean land.

An immediate executive order was made to create a national monument codenamed “the St. Louis Arch Killer” , better known today as The Korea Karate Sign. It’s a striking symbol of dominance sprouts from the center of the The Land of the Morning Calm, acting as a black rainbow of pride for it’s people. The message is clear for all: You may have your democracies, freedoms, and human rights, but we have Korean Karate.

Td: Seeing that I have more money then the North Korean economy, why would they waste money of that silly sign?

Knock knock: It’s like the great wall of China, minus the greatness, the wall, or China.

Mascot for Hire: Kim Jong Il was revealing his newest weapon, miniature karate men!!!